Steeped in a culture that glorifies drinking while new health regulations suggest no level of alcohol consumption is risk-free, more and more people are struggling with excessive alcohol use and alcohol use disorder. Their loved ones want to help, science tells us they are best positioned to help, but the culture discourages this and in fact shames and blames those who want to help. Counter to everything you’ve ever heard, you’re not a codependent or an enabler for wanting to help.

You’ve seen your beloved person drunk. Maybe a lot. There are few human experiences less dignified. And then in your attempts to get them to quit, you may have inadvertently overlaid a layer of shame and humiliation perhaps almost as destructive as the alcohol. The more frustrated you get because they won’t quit, the more your reptilian brain runs the show, the less dignified you may find yourself behaving. What if, instead, you assumed the goal of “any positive change” as it relates to your partner’s drinking. What if, rather than total abstinence, together, you found a way to reduce the harms associated with their alcohol use? The word “reduce,” rather than “quit,” is key, because a harm reduction approach to alcohol bests your chances that you both come out the other side of this process successful with your dignity intact.

In You Don’t Have to Quit, Maureen Palmer offers you twenty shame-free strategies for supporting your loved one to make healthier choices related to their alcohol use. It all starts with taking care of yourself, letting go of the wretched and pervasive ideology of codependence, and valuing positive change, even in small increments. The twenty tips offered here maximise your chances of maintaining your dignity as individuals, further bolstering the strength of your relationship.