The search for my true past came in distinct waves. This collection of poems includes some from the long period when I knew something was drastically wrong but didn't consciously know what that was and some from the breakthrough when I discovered my never-bloomed self. The poems cover the outskirts of my awakening, my plowing through and arrival in the middle of awareness. When dissociated memories and emotions exploded inside, eventually they filtered into a poem. The horror transmuted itself. These poems are that record.I have regained a real, not imposed, self.