As seen on CNN!

You’ve heard the bonkers rally speeches. You’ve witnessed the pre-dawn Twitter-storms. Now comes the really scary part…the secret confessions of Donald’s brain.

It’s all here:

• How to choose the perfect supermodel wife. (Not too much English, please.)

• How to turn the U.S. presidency into a four-year product-placement campaign. (Why be bashful?)

• How to tweet like no one’s looking. (Even if the whole world is.)

• When to quit listening to your closest relatives. (We’ll have to get back to you on this one!)

Who says you can’t out-Trump Trump? If Donald set the standard—really, how hard can it be? By the time we’re finished, you’ll be palling around with dictators and insulting beloved friends. Your future will be huge-er than you ever imagined. Your hair will defy all gravity—your ego too.

Illustrated by: Randy Jones