Purchase of this book includes free trial access to www.million-books.com where you can read more than a million books for free. This is an OCR edition with typos. Excerpt from book: V GROPING IN THE DARK That night I could not sleep. The enormity of the crime I had committed loomed up before me like a hideous monster, growing ever larger and heavier, as the sleepless hours slowly rolled by, and threatening to drive me mad. I grew feverish and deliriously tossed from side to side, vainly trying to drive the besetting visions from before my eyes. If I could see the terror of my near and dear relatives before I entered the mission, I could now hear the despairing cry of my relatives; if I could see the finger of scorn pointed at me before, I could now hear the imprecations hurled at me by enraged Israel. I?who had been carefully trained in the knowledge of the God of the Jews and of the Law, who had been taught always to remember that I was a Jew, as long as breath endured?had proved a traitor to my God, to my nation and to the Law by entering an unclean place where the name of Christ, Israel's archenemy, was spoken. Ifelt that I was lost; I did not even dare to pray, for I well remembered the Talmudic maxim that "all sins might be forgiven save the sin of worshiping strange gods." And had not my visit to the mission been an act equivalent to idol-worship? I groaned aloud and cast about for a means whereby I might atone for my terrible act of treason. I thought of the three graces: Repentance, Prayer and Charity. And again I groaned as I realized that not even they could wash away my stain. My case was hopeless. Under the circumstances, I did the only thing which seemed to hold out any hope for me? I resolved never to step into that accursed place again and to do penance for my crime in the hope that perhaps God would not permit me to perish. The succeeding few weeks were an endless round of misery and torture to me. I tried hard not to think of the mi...